i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
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Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
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So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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