You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
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and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
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I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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