when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
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Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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