I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
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I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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