I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
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Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
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She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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