oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
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I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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