I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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