Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
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I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
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Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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