I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize