Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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