My girlfriend figured out who you are.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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