Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
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Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
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My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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