just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I believe in your delicious
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize