my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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