I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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