She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
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He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
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i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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