Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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