You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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