im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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