Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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