She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
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We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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