It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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