My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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