I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
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From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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