we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
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No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Congratulations! We have a period
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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