He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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