i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
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It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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