I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
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He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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