I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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