i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
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You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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