I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
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think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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