Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize