I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
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I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
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All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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