Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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