this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
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New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
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It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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