My friends, they love my intelligence
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
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What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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