I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize