when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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