I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Can you bring me the toilet please
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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