Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
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At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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