on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize