I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
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Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
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i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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