Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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