You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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