I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
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There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
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My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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