Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
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i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think we might need a safe word for this...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize