Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
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Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
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also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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