I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
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I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
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My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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