I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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