Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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